d100 police responses

god gotta shake these winter blues and throw up a blog-post.

d100 ways that the police respond to something

1. the street rumbles. and collapses. the police were trapped in the sewers beneath and they're now free.
2. cops are taking shits in nearby bathroom
3. cops immediately decide they need to consult a psychic
4. d
5. cops set up an astrolabe and begin consulting it. crime scene slowly becomes more and more about astronomy/ology as night progresses
6. evil cop demands everyone's shoes, steals them
7. cop breaks down door like kramer
8. cops very sneaky show up slowly poking their noses around corners
9. very scary not funny thing where the cops make you go through simon says or shoot you
10. cops slowly start deconstructing the house
11. cut to: police tape on the ground, serious detectives having a police procedural conversation, the interim elided over
12. cops start gossiping about you in front of you, picking apart your appearance and being snotty
13. cops more concerned about the serial killer who is said to be probably "close by"
14. cops eating lunch, try to get you to buy hoagies for the police hoagie sale
15. cops trying to sell raffle tickets and will only do what you want if you buy more and more tickets
16. one cop has his shoes untied and will fall over at comic time, gets really angry and will get violent 
17. cops were just playing paintball and file in with all their gear still on, with paint splotches, have grudges etc
18. frantic yelling and giant gorilla-like cop bursts into scene named Mongo, other cops have to calm it down 
19. cops are late to motocross, rival team shows up revving their bikes really loud outside crime scene
20. competitive putting using a glass and a putter to kill time
21. drinking tea out of big mugs using both hands
22. flash photography, blue latex gloves, gas tanks, heart rate monitor... sick people start showing up, seems like the flu's in season. travelling witch doctor-show sets up outside. purpose of the scene seems to have changed somewhat.
23. humiliating body searches of all present (good luck -ed)
24. police mislabel all evidence and cart it all off and are never seen from or heard ever again
25. everyone gets arrested, evidence is manufactured to pin it on random PC present
26. a great evil is afoot... police invite hooded figures to the scene and keep discussing "the warden"
27. redneck sherrif + barefoot deputies with shotguns
28. add'l evidence is uncovered which completely changes the case
1. murder weapon added/subtracted from scene (if one was present, subtracted, etc)
2. secret room with blood messages on the walls (or similar)
3. mutated half-alive fetus, parentage apparent, squirreled away at scene
4. evidence literally falls from sky
29. small meteorite lands near scene
30. fastfood delivery & subsequent argument
31. police horse freaks out and gets destructive, police refuse to euthanize it
32. supervillain is involved (see: http://rememberdismove.blogspot.com/2019/01/d50-villains.html)
33. police accidentally break something vital and profusely apologize
34. detective taking over the case is covered in tattoos and seductive
35. cops are aliens
36. cops refuse to leave car, will not for any reason, talk through window etc
37. random object magnetized by lightning exactly like in The Court Jester (1955)
38. one cop is also a serial killer trying to deal with the conflicting parts of his identity and audibly goes through the motions.
39. cops blare really loud music from the car the whole time they're there
40. cop has native roots and uses a bow and arrow, facepaint, stereotypical native clue-gathering methods, listening to ground, voodoo etc
41. cops are ghost hunters
42. cops deeply hate each other 
43. small fire starts and will escalate if players dont do something
44. fantastically obese cop(s)
45. cops kinda gossipy and drinking appletinis 
46. scene is haunted and manifests blood on the walls / time loop / hallucinogenic ghost presence / items rearrange / curse distribution / demonic chanting
47. cops are satanists! 
48. K9 dog has foaming horrible rabies
49. cops are using messenger pigeons
50. Cop is one day away from retirement! 
51. serial killer/ other horrible person(s) is in disguise as a cop(s), (supervillain may be involved see #32)
52. SNAFU involving undercover police already at scene
53. cop is compulsive masturbator(s)
54. cops trying to sell drugs to PCs... a sting?
55. cops doin
1. coke
2. ketamine
3. ecstasy
4. methamphetamines
5. opiods
6. LSD
56. cops have regressed to a pre-modern state, alike cavemen
57. cop has massive weeping wound(s) no one acknowledges
58. cops are very nerdy and wheedly, pocket protectors, cokebottle glasses 
59. preggo ladycop goes into labor
60. cop is one of those mechs from Robocop (1987)
61. cop is Robocop
62. cops are babushka-wearing grandma cops
63. cops are forever on their phones 
64. cops are drunk gettin drunker
65. cops don't know how to use a computer! they need to though, could you help?
66. cops are totally competent in this case.
67. copgun goes off aciddentally at worst time
68. cops all have a seriously flu
69. none of the cops can read
70. dispatcher promises cops will show up but none ever, ever will
71. cops skin slowly changing colors
72. cops "smell" crime
73. cops are all terribly beautiful
74. dinosaurs show up
75. cops are compulsive gamblers
76. cops are greatly speculative about chess
77. cop mentions he has a single day until retirement
78. bomb squad robot shows up first, alone, due to scheduling error
79. cops are all terribly hungover
80. cops are in a band together and are kinda like Mystery Incorporated
81. bishonen detective
82. cop has chronic pain flareup and requires paramedic attention
83. cops are all actually ghosts
84. seemingly quite intelligent detective determined to fake evidence for own goals
85. cops arrive at wrong location and are unable to travel to correct one although dispatch will unceasingly attempt to coordinate this
86. cop has a phobia about flying bugs which arrive periodically, he freaks out, other cops have to calm him down, keeps happening
87. cops seem like they're really good genuinely kind friends to each other but commit terrible cruelties to each other as well
88. -100 : reroll

TRPG lessons from Dragon Quest: An INSTADEATH Listicle

Simple design tips... What is "enough?"

1. A dungeon that is simple, proceeds in stages, and has a simple puzzle (and random encounters) can be effective.

2. Extremely simple spacial positioning.

Having two groups, enemies and player characters, standing in lines opposite each other, and taking turns inflicting attacks or casting spells, can be enough. This is especially effective as a default positioning for battles. 

3. Spells can be extremely simple. 

Knock, Fireball, and Speak With Dead are great. 

4. Means of transportation tiers exploration.

It's a JRPG staple. Walk across the continent, then get a ship and go visit other continents and explore the sea. Maybe find portals between various places. Eventually you get an airship, which lets you visit floating islands or other planets or whatever.

It's a simple principle to apply. Less transportation, less settings. More transportation, more settings. 

5. Arbitrary Monsters

Monsters can, and should, be whatever. Meaningless details or additions can be handwaved or explained. A monster is an open-ended template which players KNOW how to deal with.

5a. corollary: can NPCs be anything??

6. Chasing after a big bad vs. simulating colonialism.

Instead of raiding indigenous peoples, pursuing an antagonist around the globe allows the players to be problem-solving-tourists aka traveling heroes. They need not pursue, but then bad things will happen. 

7. Nonspecific NPC Monotheism.

Having all or most of the NPCs worship a single, semi-mysterious deity has its advantages. There's a simple and uniting cultural touchstone everywhere the players look. The Goddess is good and the people who worship her (most people) are basically good. This contributes to Simple Ethics.

8. Simple ethics can be fine.

 An overtly evil antagonist will likely speed gameplay along.

9. Cooperating with monsters is easy as shit

You probably already knew.

10. What if there are already lit torches underground?

If you don't want to track light, why not have torches line the way? No one's going to complain.

The Counselor

Gauche in The Counselor: Bardem’s hair, the advertising interiors, Cameron Diaz styled into a black hole of charm, Brad Pitt looking back and forth while the music insists on petty melodrama. There’s a cocaine enthusiasm to the collection of talents, who are all metatextual failures. After enough viewings, the awkwardness starts to belong to the taste.

The Counselor is buying a diamond and entering a drug deal, his prospective gain a definite amount while his exposure extends through his fiancée. A white American participating in cartel wealth. Eventually the drugs return to cartel hands, and this repairs little.

Around the sewage truck, weapons, distances and vehicles produce short actions with permanent consequences. INSTADEATH: oh, this thing behaves according to rules, and I just fucked that up. There is no undo, and the understanding keeps coming as if it wasn't deserved. 

Melodramatic comedy fuzzes the metaphysics's nobility. The "car fucking" is the triumph of the film.  A mother wakes clutching her heart because the son has died; people live overt cliché. 

It reads as bad filmmaking. Humans approach irreversible consequence through embarrassing material culture and awkward behavior, without acquiring the dignity of the philosophical system they inhabit. Folly is gauche.