Friday, June 29, 2018

I promised I'd write a review of Eclipse Phase

  1. it's overwritten with some of the worst design trends you get these days. kinda like "we wanna have a big 'ol rulebook and have it be technical and we should explain everything." yes, there has been some knowledge gained over these years about editing and clarity of language and sadly eclpise phase does not doo a good job
  2. extremely fucked up picture of stats wherein you have multiple categories of stats sometimes abbrviated to be quite similar (COO and COG) that cross-reference each other in strange ways and are linked to an potentially changing Morph meaning you have to recalculate totals and moreover the information design of the sheets is like long rows of tables all the same color. even your money is actually stats or something.
  3. as a result we the players and the game master didn't really know how to run anything in the game beyond call of cthulu esc stat rolls which we were didnt doing properly. we didn't really know how to approach combat outside of skill rolls like these and ignoring all of the rules
  4. even the "shortened rules" or whatever is too dense and I couldn't get through it or I did skim it and didn't understand it? but it's still "call of cthulu??"

the good:
  1. transhumanity as pictured is a pretty cool concept and the writers did a lot to make it a complete picture of the world. pretty much every subject is covered in the text (social, logistics, transportation, hierarchies, etc) and given enough thought to seem somewhat credible.
  2. the morph guide is actually pretty wild
  3. there's a pretty compelling history built into the text, the rise of transhumanity happened along with the rise of some super powerful ais
  4. I appreciate how the aliens ("factors") are not big players in the scheme of things
  5. I appreciate how much of an ass the book has on it, like, there's a lot of global conspiracy stuff back there, a lot of information the GM can use to tell a wider horrific story
  6. transhumanity was the basis of some legitimate philosophical questions in play as well some funny funny jokes
the play:
  • horrific problem near the end where galactic conspiracy means too much information to keep track of and as soon as someone starts pulling threads you get contradictions etc. etc.
  • weird problem where because all information was available to us instantly we would always just hang out in this "airport lounge" style space right next to our ship. which was just sort of funny not a problem
  • thinking around problems using transhumanity like, let's take this person, copy their mind in to a cortical stack, and then psychosurgery the stack to find information was pretty fun although it almost always meant we were making the GM scramble
  • GM had a whole series of sessions within a simulspace where we played pathfinder


  1. it's kinda a legit setting! I can't throw it in the garbage bin. But then again someone could do this better... like some small publisher... 
  2. uhh you can't buy this book and read it though unless you're a person who can read like "evilly written GURPS"

my eclipse phase HACK:

people are cortical stacks. you’re data contained a small grape-sized diamond.

you can duplicate a cortical stack with a psychosurgery roll. you also need a terminal.

in civilization, terminals and terminal equipment are ubiquitous.

you can merge willing cortical stacks with a psychosurgery roll.

cortical stacks can be sent along or into digital networks at a terminal with no roll.

anything you can do with modern brain surgery you can do with a psychosurgery roll.

One of the involved cortical stacks loses 1d6 of either int, cha, or wis, randomly determined, permanent.


Information can be obtained from the network wirelessly via an infosec roll. You can make as many rolls as you want.

This roll is made in secret by the gm.

You get the publically available information. On a success, you also get a portion of private information. On a failure, you also get some incorrect, outdated, or unfortunately imprecise information, or a rumor.


Each morph has its own STR, DEX, and CON, plus any racial features.


  1. Roll 3d6 for INT, CHA, WIS.
  2. Assign skill points equal to your INT.
  3. Choose a morph. calculate skill bonuses, ac and hp
  4. You start with 50,000 credits.


Skill rolls are Skill + Relevant Stat Modifer+ d20 vs. a target number devised by the GM. If you don’t have any skill points youre just using your relevant stat. Stat modifiers break down as per 3.5

Used to bypass digital security measures.

adds +1 to your AC per point.

Used to pilot any vehicle.

Used to shoot any ranged weapon.

Used to fight with a melee weapon or unarmed.

Used to physically sneak around or use sleight of hand.

Used to persuade people.

Used to impersonate people.

Used to create software.

see above.

see above

you may not put points into this skill.

for each morph, rolll 3d6 each for STR DEX and CON and add racial features

normal morph: just a normal human.

ape morph: as normal but +8 str x2 CON and ape-size (-4 AC)

little morph: +4 dex and small (+4 AC), ½ CON

bird morph: can fly, small size (+4 AC), ½ CON

harpy morph: can fly

big brain morph: +4 int, -2 CON (no new skill points)

speedy morph: +4 dex, -2 CON

muscles: +4 str

vampire: with a successful melee you can drain blood, dealing d8 damage and gain as much.

orc morph: +4 str +4 dex +2 con -2 CHA

elite morph: up to +8 in each physical stat and +4 in each mental stat, but these can cost billions of credits. a low end one is 200,000.

AC: equal to 10 + dex mod + fray skill

HP: equal to CON


small unarmed d2
human size unarmed d4
large unarmed d10
knife d8
sword d10
gun 2d8
big gun 3d10
artillery (if it hits you die)

sample characters

fritz the loon

4 INT (-3)
13 CHA (+1)
8 WIS   (-1)

ape morph
22 STR (+6)
17 DEX (+3)
22 CON

melee 4 (+6 str) = +10

AC: 9
HP: 22


10 INT
16 CHA +3
14 WIS  +2

harpy morph
14 str +2
16 dex +3
9 con

3 disguise + 3 = +6
3 persuade  +3 cha = +6
4 psychosurgery + 2 wis = +6


setting is the same.

Monday, June 25, 2018

new lotfp class: the pig-herder

Image result for pig

-able to herd 3*(2^[level-1]) pigs. herding means controlling pigs's movement.

-saves and xp as fighter. d6 hit die, minimum 4 at first level.

-can issue the following commands to any members of its herd as if spells of the appropriate level for a magic-user:
  1. attack- pigs will engage in one combat. typical pig is 1 hd, 1 attack for d4, 20ft speed.
  2. find/retrieve- commanded pigs will attempt to locate and potentially retrieve a stated object or person. they have excellent smell.
  3. cooperate- pigs can be herded into accomplishing complicated multi-pig tasks such as lifting a wheelbarrow.
  4. summon more pigs- commanded pigs will go out and recruit more pigs in the local area if possible.
  5. stack pigs- pigladder, wall of pigs
  6. behave politely- any pigs so commanded will be treated as acceptable in polite society
  7. pig prayer- as commune. the involved pigs will be judged on their pigginess by god.
  8. pig ritual- the pigs perform a satanic rite to summon a demon (as summon). sacrificed pigs count as "same race as caster"
  9. pigscendence - the pig-herder has complete control over any pigs in eyesight and may command them to perform tasks that seem even physiologically impossible, although involved pigs are unlikely to survive such tasks.

commanding a pig requires verbal communication except in the case of "pigscendence". commands do not need to be prepared (but still limited in number of times per day as if a magic user - ed).

Sunday, June 24, 2018

even more spells

fingernail clippings.

bullet brain
v, s: finger gun to own skull
duration: concentration, max 1 Turn
your brain turns into a bullet !zoom! your body flaps around behind it as it zooms around! you get a fly speed of 45,000 ft, you can’t do anything with the rest of your body though. and good luck deaccelerating.

big head
v: groan s: rub forehead
duration: caster level hours
your skull gets bigger. you can fit more stuff in there, meaning if you have to remember anything, you automatically succeed. you can also put things in your skull by shoving them up your nose, they’ll be safely stored.

m: twenty five dollars cash
target: yourself or one other
duration: until dismissed or caster walks away.
a large skull descends from the sky and answers any questions you might have about one subject: your future and psyche. questions about the future recieve hazy answers, answers about the psyche are spot-on. only usable outside.

no spell components
target: one person you can see or know the name of (unlimited range)
your friend (or an enemy) gets an idea. they do not have to act on this idea. abstract information is preferential to specific text, specific language likely is slightly garbled.

trap portal
v,s:draw the portal ,m:chalk or paint or charcoal
duration: caster level hours
opens an appealing, adventure-y looking portal that will subtly influence any adventure-minded individuals to go inside (still their option, but no save). takes you to prison dimension (as imprisonment: burial)

enchant mistletoe
v,s, m: istletoe
duration: 1 hour caster level
enchanted mistletoe will cause you to have intense emotions if you pass near it, within 5’. the emotions are random; typically, someone at the table will suggest an intense emotion for the target to feel and we’ll go with that. prolonged exposure will give cumulative -1 penalities to any action not acting on the emotion.

enchant toe
v,s m: toe
range: touch
duration: permanent
caster has complete control over enchanted toe.

green grass
duration: caster lever hours
trap spell, creates a patch of ordinary grass which if stepped on acts as acid. d8 damage/round, clothing destroyed, save or be stuck for another round.

lose thing
1 target, reflex save
m: onion
bad luck causes you to drop the thing you were holding and it rolls or bounces to the most feasibly inaccessible spot.

oil sphere
v,s,m: pinch of salt
radius of sphere is up to 5’/caster level.
range: any point in space within 30’
large sphere of oil collects, seeping from nearby materials. takes one round/5' radius to collect, will float if necessary.  the oil is flammable.

hatred sphere
v,s, m: two cherries
range: sphere can influence up to 5’/caster level
duration: permanent. caster can only have one sphere at a time though
the sphere collects hair, dead skin and loose nails (or not so loose) to an invisible point of space. once the detritus of three people has been collected the sphere’s mass forms a mouth which begins mewing. if fed the mass will, eventually, develop glowing purple psychic powers and a deep baritone voice. it only wants to be fed more.

mass: 1 hd per 2 gallons of collected material, gains the following powers every 7 gallons collected:
7. ability to slow time (as slow)
14. intelligence = 7 and can speak any language
21. pseudopods can manipulate at strength 14, intelligence = 14
28. can cast suggestion once per day
34. range begins expanding 5’ per day, up to double original value
41. can cast suggestion at will

target: up to caster level targets
duration: 1 minute
target with best save attempts to save, if they succeed the spell fails.

all targets are reduced to ¼ of an inch tall and all of their ability scores are reduced to 1.

Friday, June 22, 2018

the al columbia/henry darger campaign I've been working on

so I basically wrote 1/2 of a campaign book last year inspired primarily by two artists: al columbia and henry darger.

al columbia's work
Image result for henry darger
henry darger's
This all came after Scrap Princess recommended Venetian Snare's "Doll Doll Doll" which was sorta a concept album about childkilling like Jon Bennet Ramsey and all that. Listening to the album basically made me feel cool about childkilling... capturing some niche.

Considering how easy it is to look at the work of something like
and write a dungeon based on it that's pretty much what I did.


PCs are requested to come and help out a small labor town put down a rebellion. They arrive, by train, and find that the town is populated entirely by soldiering men with beards and coats. The town runs on child slavery agriculture; the soldiers want the PCs to go put down a rebellion by the children. Specifically they want the PCs to go out into Jennae Richie and lure the militarized children into a staged battle.

OUTSIDE THE TOWN WALLS is a land known as "Jennae Richie": a series of plains and forests bordered by mountains and the ocean and populated by wild children. There a couple of factions in play:
  • the militiarized children who have rifles and have child-general leaders
  •  the "vivian girls" who are an independent child calvary, intelligent with good discipline
  • the "childkillers", a variety of monsters and boogeymen who eat the children 
  •  troupes of adult clowns who are sortof combination relief organizers and entertainers for the children
  •  the fairy queen, a large butterfly-winged person who educates the children and influences the child military's leaders
  • "tornado terry" -  a reoccuring tornado which the children have a spiritual connection to  
  •  mysteriously modern "grandparents" who live by the coast

THERE'S A COUPLE OF SITES scattered throughout Jennae Richie:
  • the forbidden forest where all the cannibals live
  • a swamp filled with rotting pianos where some swamp-kids live and a portal to the underworld is there
  • the "underworld": a series of bizarre tunnels which link locations
  • the mountains bordering jennae richie where "brodbrigian creatures" live
  •  the coast- this is where "tornado terry" visits. there's a seaside home here belonging to some old folks who are mysteriously modern who kinda take care of the children. however many of the kids regularly sacrifice themselves to the tornado and the "grandparents" can't stop them and no longer try.
  • There a couple of dungeon-like locations which function as links between the three cosmological states of Jennae richie. more on that in a bit

  1. either the PCs lead the child military forces into a staged battle with the adults or some other battle is conducted; if the battle happens on the adult's terms it will be a planned slaughter
  2. Tornado Terry intervenes during the battle and wipes out all sides
  3. Adult civilization and the children's leaders are dead; in their absence the childkillers and the "half-real world" will fully take over Jennae Richie
The battle can be averted if the PCs take steps to uncover the mystery in Jennae Richie and figure out the politics between the adults and children.

  • The cosmology of this place, which most of the children know some of, is that there are three worlds:
    • The "real world": where the PCs are from and where they're running around probably
    • The "half-real" world where the childkillers are from and maybe the children are from? This world looks sorta like the "fake world" but has childkillers (=monsters) and stuff (=treasure) in it
    • The "fake world": this is a mostly empty tertiary dimension resembling a 1950's small city and suburban outlands. There are buildings but no stuff or people; the wind rises as you spend time here and eventually culminates in a tornado which destroys everything
  • Children make expeditions to get guns and other modern stuff from the "half-world". Links between worlds are usually real <-> half <-> fake.
  • The cause of all this was some shenanigans with dimensions rubbing together and a tornado and a special person who made a wish as regards saving children from the tornado and from evil men. I haven't really figured it out yet.
  • the clown troupes are adults who feel guilty about child slavery
So basically the PCs wander into this situation, have an opportunity to explore some half-real locations full of monsters and treasure, have to deal with a bunch of child soldiers and child politics and maybe witness some terrible battles, maybe deal with the more competent actors like the vivian girls or the clowns, maybe avert the apocalypse maybe not. 

the "half-real" locations I've made up so far:
  • a movie theatre with a trapdoor and a ladder which leads to another, more ornate movie theatre with a trapdoor and a ladder which leads to.... 
    • accessed via tunnels. leads to the fake world eventually. you can also recover some broken movie theatre equipment which if you repair it the kids will love you because you can show them movies
  • an apartment complex in a hellish landscape. inside each door there's another random bizarre thing and there's a persistent monster which if you close your eyes goes away and black balloons everywhere which if you pop you die
    • you get there via tunnels
  • a department store full of stuff and monsters I haven' fleshed out yet
  • an abandoned house in the forbidden forest which if you get close becomes "modern". there's a demon that lives there and some treasure and it works as a gateway between fake and real worlds
  • salmon falls, which is a town where they're constantly doing reality-breaking parades, it's also the home of a bunch of double-bodied people with straight razors
  • a church-trap full of hanged corpses which awaken if you shine light on them; they strangle, die, fall, and turn into broken-bone ghouls. has a portal to the veins of the earth 
  • the city of the dead full of ghouls which is where you get to if you go northeast of the map
  • if you take a boat out into the ocean the ocean turns into a mass of rotting fetus-man corpses
all of this is basically curbed from al columbia and henry darger's art.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Some Necromancer Spells to Fix Pathfinder Necromancers

anoint undead
lvl 5

m: 250sp gem
casting time: 1 minute

one unintelligent undead rises to 10 int.

create minor undead
casting time: 5 rounds
lvl 1
m: cadaver fitting need (see below)

spell can create a 1 HD zombie or skeleton, which will follow commands for 1 hour then collapse into dust. This requires a skeleton or fleshy corpse.

spell can instaead create a speaking skull of intelligence 10 which will follow instructions for 24 hours then collapse into dust. This requires just a skull or head.

spell can also be used to create animate body parts, such as a crawling arm. these only last 10 minutes.

explode undead
lvl 2
save: will save

target undead of 1-3 HD must save or explode, dealing d6*HD damage to 10 feet, save half.

mass explode undead
lvl 6
as explode undead but all undead in a 30ft radius from a point  you can see.

mass create minor undead
lvl 4
m: cocaine, 3 grams
casting time: 1 round

as "create minor undead" but may create up to 30 HD of mixed types. still need body parts

bad surgery
m: eucalyptus leaves
lvl 3
duration: 2 weeks

target dying person must save or become a zombie under the caster's control. it is not immediately obvious that they are undead.

v,s,m: living person sacrifice
duration: 1 day/caster level
lvl 5

target structure becomes a base for undead, who will flock there. undead in the structure regain 1 hp/ hour.  bodies placed in the structure will animate as minor undead, who last for the duration.

v,s,m: large deposit of corpses, e.g. graveyard
casting time: 3 rounds
range: line of sight, will upturn graves
duration: caster level/rounds
lvl 5

target corpses all fly together to create a monster of hd = # of bodies, under the caster's control

willing undead may join, unwilling undead need to save.

locate dead bodies
lvl 2
m (focus): a terrified small animal
ritual casting takes 7 minutes

caster knows direction and distance of dead bodies within 15 miles. the search can be narrowed such as "dead body of the king", "graveyards", etc. if the search returns too many results to list the caster takes 1 wis damage and retains only general information.

fuse undead
lvl 3
m: glue, and either intestines from a living being of at least medium size or gold dust equal to 10gp*hd of combined undead
duration: if only two combined, permanent. otherwise (number of participants)/20 days

caster glues up to caster level/HD undead together. the product has hd = to total undead hd used, is one or two size categories larger, has all the special abilities of the undead used and has a number of attacks = to the number of undead. 30ft speed

undead train
lvl 7
v,s,m: bones of at least 10 people
duration: until the sun rise

caster creates an undead train! up to 15 people can ride, it moves 66ft/round, can trample at +10 for 3d6 damage! yow!!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Everything I Hate About Hollow Knight

1. the aesthetics

2. how it's a dumb flash game from newgrounds 2005

3. the voice acting

end of list

what do I like about shovel hollow knight?

the boss battles are good.

Ok good night.

Monday, June 18, 2018

two modules review- The Monolith Beyond Space and Time and CRYPTS OF INDORMANCY


This book has just amazing layout and illustration. Weird to say bc it's a little paperback b/w digest but there's no part of it which gets in the way, everything is clearly labelled, the illustrations are effective... it's got a blocky, negotiable frame and there's very little excess.

You can throw this thing around your table and you'll be happy. Ok, as for the content: I was disappointed how long and ineffective the effects section was, like I remember skipping over it first time I read it and rereading it I wanted to skip it again, but the random encounters section is gold. I'm not impressed by "the owl's service" but everything else is exactly the kinda weird fiction shit that hits the spot like Raggi can do.

The monolith itself requires some appreciation. Despite the long and involuted "brain" section, it's pretty surprising how well the central mechanic of "long white corridor, anywhere you turn is the same corridor" works. As a gameable piece of extradimensionality it's hot topic.

The worm is okay, not very powerful, carter's head is good, the inhabitants are pretty nice, the brain thing is long and not well edited but I think it's funny and usable.

- - - - - - -


ofc, if you have the bryce lynch ten-foot-pole criteria of: brevity is best, rpgtext needs to be instantly readable, I don't need pay-for-word stuff, you will give the review bryce gave where you wanna be soft on melsonia but you also see the punches laid out for you and you gotta take them.

For me, I have to appreciate: the solid prose, genuine lit kinda, the illustrations, the way the adventure takes shape in your mind on the third or fourth re-read. It is a negadungeon. But what can best be said I think is it's melsonia-comentary on the osr, maybe we can break it down:

1. the whole thing about super attention to detail

  Obv it's an osr value that you shouldn't pay prose to little details that can be made up or ignored completely. There's something to say about the value of detail as it themes the whole adventure, and potentially the dm's interpretation. I would say "interpretation" is key over "play". I don't hold a lot of stock in the idea that maybe-unnecessary detail themes the play at the table.

Crypts of Indormancy uses detail to explain all the dungeon-maker's choices. If the question becomes to the players, "why", then there is an answer. If the answer is somewhat mysterious like with Maun Hevich and the Thieving Cousin then so much the better.

Honestly, I think that players playing the adventure may learn to start asking about detail, and in this way form part of the theory of Thuuz's trap, and therefore maybe anticipate it? Or likely learn after the fact. But to be basically apart of the spinning precise cogs of someone else's world does the detail serve.

That's one answer! The other answer is that precise detail makes for a good read because it's funny and/or it builds a larger world as so many of the details here obviously do. But uhhh hold on to the fact that the players can ask for more detail here and get bigger answers and that's what separates this adventure from flat no-explanation eighties shit of which a parody is included conveniently in the module.

2. the weird intermissionary gygax-era parody in the center of the book

this I think is homage to those modules as well as a piss-take but of the british kind where maybe the whole point is to meanly make fun of something. All of the people confused and upset by the inclusion are part of the piss-take.

3. Post-colonialism

If the point of post-colonialism is examine both the colonists and those colonized by a bit of a distanced perspective, there is room here for irony, pretty-real horror, actual criticism and an acknowledgement, throwing up the hands, of the inability to criticise, in Crypts.

  - Given dignity and representation, via the history (of successful revolution), representation of actual islanders (the dead bodies/ heads), cultural details

  - Horror of the colonizer's attitudes shown by the relentless insults of the islander's ethics present in Thuuz's dungeon. The obsession with insults here reflect on Thuuz but then again the rules encouraging islander characters to destroy these insults I find condescending. That being said maybe condescending to the islanders a bit is a part of what's going on here. Because we're all subject to maybe ultimately bad social pressures -ed

 -  I really like the idea of elves being so squeamish about death that they're rewarded xp for avoiding talking about it. Elves deserve to be squeamish and the opportunity to roleplay an elf should come with optional stuffiness.

- deserves its own section in my analysis.

- Thuuz is hilarious bc he's the center of the dungeon and yet the least-likely participant in the pc's raid. His instructions are to wait until they leave. So again the inner mystery here which is a true test of wills between the players and the text is to penetrate Thuuz's plan. Almost everyone will fail! He's a fucking genius elf man.

- Haliburton-level backup plans for a plot which is essentially cruel and perhaps pointless (or perhaps not? why make everything so convoluted?) is essentially the correct picture of apex-level colonizers, people who are tightly wrapped in their ambitions as well as protections who maybe miss the point a little because so tightly wrapped.

- The whole tomb is essentially strange and a little off because it refers to obsessions which have aged out of place and were over-focused and hate-filled.


A pretty huge point that rpgs themselves are colonialist. This is obvious. The islander's miniatures are parodies of the tribal islanders just like our miniatures are thinly veiled caricatures of real-world tribal peoples.

This is no issue for melsonians, although maybe it's a bit of a point, but the examination of your rpg values as obviously coloniast in a situation which is a literal trap for the resurrection of the colonizer is uhhhhhh


Since I think Ezra is smarter than me, he has included many little jokes in the otherwise plain-weird bestiary. Unseen Servant but composed of the ghost of your ancestors? Must have something to say here about post-colonialism. The Magnetic Hypernaut which likely will never show up? Seems more just weird to me. Diremptive Evasculators also just weird.

 *  *   *

Something about the ghost of the colonizer acting out social scripts which makes your veins pop out to power the resurrection machine of the colonizer is like that Bush era thing... grad student stuff.

(The first review of this post is normal instadeath but the second review counts as instadeath: nights -ed.)

Friday, June 8, 2018


Ok, I didn't buy the book, I just read the .pdf, here's my thoughts:

  • Broodmother Skyfortress, the adventure at its core, is fun and usable and one of those "easy to memorize and loads of fun" adventures
  • All the stuff tacked on which is just Jeff's advice is more or less useless to me
  • I would recommend this book as an intro to OSR theory that being said there's other intros which aren't a book you have to buy
My story with BMSF begins when I had to pull something outta my ass and I had read enough reviews and various mentions of BMSF to pull it outta my ass. Guess what, it was fun, and I could just sorta check out the !beautiful! map in the back (I had the .pdf on my tablet) and that got us through the first half. I didn't feel compelled to answer any of the questions Jeff left up to us like what are the origins of the giants whatever but it was all easy and basically servicable. Moreover I think the art of the "light touch" or just skimming and using is a core of the philosophy the book wants to impart, so good job.

that being said couldn't this book just be like, four pages long? if you knocked off the best-of-jeff's-blog in the back? it would not be a book then it would be a pamphlet. it could be one page, here's a mockup:

compressability is an essential asset of rpg modules so I have to applaud BMSF while also pointing out that the book could just be a pamphlet.

Sunday, June 3, 2018


a superfight is an exercise where you run a fictional tournament between some fictional combatants. today's fighters are:

mahatma ghandi
terrance hayes
evil peter
twin copies of allen alda
miserlou the song by dick dale incarnated as a person with limited supernatural powers
david foster wallace with a magic beanie
a loud 2 year old
gun with sword hands
fairy godmother (limited magic reserves)

mr. alda.


mahatma ghandi vs terrance hayes

mahatma is a known pacificst which is really just a more powerful version of violence. plus the dude knows how to take a beating. terrance ultimately doesn't have the will to destroy mahatma while ghandi uses his superior stanima to basically force terrance to concede.

evil peter vs twin copies of allen alda

allen alda being a pampered celebrity essentially takes the knee on this one. I do not know which techniques evil peter would use but he would be able to dispatch the celebrities.

miserlou the song by dick dale incarnated as a person with limimted supernatural powers vs. david foster wallace with a magic beanie

this is a tough one. wallace essentially has no limits and I believe his violent tendencies could come to the fore here (not trying to make a domestic abuse joke -ed). Miserlou however has fresh reserves of martial arts power having just recently incarnated in human flesh. Their supernatural powers cancel but ultimately dfd can't keep it together and miserlou takes it.

a loud 2 year old vs gun with sword hands

you would think the gun with sword hands would own this one. my instinct tells me though they would combine forces as intrinsically a loud 2 year old is the master of a gun with sword hands. thus a new terrifying forces enters the ring: loud 2 year old wielding sentient gun with sword hands. this is an early powerhouse but I feel confident in this prediction.

fairy godmother gets a bye.


mahatma ghandi vs evil peter

another ace match. well essentially mahatma ghandi is incapable of fighting true evil as he relies on the essential humanity of his opponents to win; and evil peter is a being composed of pure evil and therefore has no humanity. match: evil peter

human-bound miserlou vs. loud 2 year old wielding sentient sword with gun hands

I'm tempted to say that they'd just join forces again but let's say the 2 year old is both drunk with power despite his weapon's warnings and also fails to appreciate the innate beauty of surf rock (seems unlikely but again let's assume). Miserlou has about 75% of the power required to dodge both gun and swords but could easily destroy the 2 year old with a single clean shot. I'm going to give it the narrative end and say Miserlou eliminates the 2 year old but is in turn impaled by the gun's sword hands in a harrowing and sorrow-filled twist ending. match goes to gun with sword hands, now revenge-filled.

fairy godmother gets another pass because I haven't written enough combatanats.


evil peter vs. revengeful gun with sword hands vs. fairy godmother 
(three way match)

temporary alliance between evil peter and gunswordhands is disrupted when gunswordhands undergoes magical transformation as it has low magic resistance. as a result evil peter has to one-on-one fairy godmother who has correctly surmised that evil peter is the real sole challenge here. however evil peter understands basic magical capabilities and knows that if he manages to damage f.g. she will unable to cast temporarily.

while the evil version of myself and fairy godmother square up gunswordhands has been turned either into a horse or something silly like that. obviously it has to get new bearings so it's out of the fight for now. let's just say it's a horse.

meanwhile evil peter has thrown sand or whatever in the fairy godmother's face and brought the battle to her physically. not to give the evil version of myself too much credit but I think I could beat up a grandmother. so let's just give evil me the win.

meanwhile though the horse has learned to use its hooves and essentially, instinct kicks in, it caves in evil peter's chest with a powerful blow and is declared the winner.


Saturday, June 2, 2018

more spells

bones crawl out of our skin to form an exoskeleton. armor equal to plate, however damage you take is doubled. duration: until dismissed.

m: a bar of chocolate (melted okay)
duration: 1 day

conjures a living (illusory) witness who assumes credible local garb and will testify to whatever the wizard wills. 

screw over
v,s,m: any document, torn up during casting
target: a business deal in sight. 

target business exchange-- either a sale, an employer/employee contract, any exchange credibly defined as “business” (but not “government”, so no arrests, but a slave auction, sure) immediately fails. employer will fire employee, sellers will retract offers, contracters will walk off the site. any participants must save or refuse to do business with the others ever again.

v,s,m: powdered sugar
target object is destroyed and instead replaced with a miniature version, delicately manufactured. it is not the same object as before, but a new smaller object finely crafted to resemble the target. 

target: one nonliving object mass of a piano or less

adds another dimension to target. playing cards will become 3D, non-flat objects will exist at every point in their timeline, which means they look like long worms extending from their origin to their current point to their final future destruction point.

infinity wall
duration:  1 turn/levl
range: wall covering 10ft/caster lvl

wall made of infinity, meaning everything, appears. interactions with the wall will spark all possible responses, which equate to a dull grey matte look and a humming noise. magic has no effect, can’t be dug through or climbed. 

animate books
v,s,m: 1.5 shelves of books per caster level.

books can be capricious, and the targets of this spell either work together at the request of the caster or do something else, depending on the quality of the shelves. books of fiction for instance might act out any of their dramas at the caster’s command or simply fall apart. it is really a capricious spell and the only good prepatory measure is to have a quality bookcase involved.

big axe
summons a big axe, can be used by the wizard rather impressively, deals 10 dmg each hit. killed creatures are knocked unconcious instead but their brains also explode so they still die probably.

miniature time machine
m: 2,000gp in expenses and two weeks isolated effort

spell is cast at the end of a long ritual construction of a time vehicle, which will function once, then explode (dealing no damage but scorching everyone’s eyebrows). times available to jump to: 2222 AD, -14 BC, the birth of christ, the present but five minutes from now, and -111 BC (the birth of the universe, recommend having a space suit)

time machine (proper)
m: takes 10 months to construct and 30,000gp (less if industrialized)

when used this time machine jumps either forward or back, much as h.g. wells’s. if you deaccelerate at a time when there is no open air (or vacuum) for your machine to fit in it explodes probably killing you (6d6 damage). if it doesn’t kill you you get to land wherever the explosion fits. 

the time machine can be reused but if you return to a present after a past you’ve visited you probably will notice countless differences yr meddling has caused.

evil time machine
m: takes 10 minutes and forty-five dollars cash and some scrap wood

jumping in this time machine will send you to a dimension where everything bad is your fault from meddling. if you try to jump back the machine falls apart and is apparently made of paper and rice. 

magic toss
targets: up to two randomly chosen people in the room, one caster-determined target to throw them at

swarms of purple energy swarm over the room, isolating one or two individuals, who are lifted into the air and bodily thrown, head over heels, at some target. as the hit the target they explode forcefully into confetti-like sparks, dealing d6 dmg/lvl of those thrown. d6 rounds later they reincarnate with a loud popping sound and fall onto the spots from which they were lifted (no memories of being thrown).

finger fire
v: a scream
duration: 30 seconds

blistering heat forces your fingers to burst off your body and zoom around. they can poke things, distract people, whatever. on your command they fly onto someone else’s body, and then you can wiggle them around. these losers can chop the fingers off but they do damage to themselves, 2 hp/finger chopped.

to get your fingers back, you have to re-cast this spell on someone else (‘s fingers).

those targeted get to save to grab the fingers out of mid-air, they only get d4 fingers tho

instant market
range: 30ft
duration: until at least 5 things have been bought or sold. casters can multiply-prepare this spell to square the number.

this spell makes people behave as if at a market- they’ll look around for opportunities to buy, sell, or otherwise trade goods and services. if there is a combat happening it’ll cease, each particpant must save with disadvantage to continue (if any one continues, the spell fails). if no combat is occuring no save is allowed!

range (of sleep gas) 30ft
duration: 5 rounds/level

thrown up goo dribbles from d4 random people in the room, or just the caster. the vile bile emits gas putting everyone who fails a save to sleep. those asleep and those awake but willing are drawn together by the puke to create a giant mecha-like creature which is able to yell and punch things hard. the creature will target anyone who has not fallen asleep.

the creature: d6 hd/particpant (roll once and multiply -ed), damage: start at d4 move up a die per participant max d100, speed 80ft, if slain the participants do not retain damage but slide apart and wake up unremembering

herr fantastic’s portable servant spell

shrinks any willing particpant down action-figure size. they look like a doll, and if not moving appear inanimate and carved. 
duration: 3 hours or until ended by subject

worm juche
v,s,m: at least one sock

a big bag of socks will fall out of the air and split open on the ground. large worm-like things will emerge and begin crawling frantically all around. a great distraction, they will also trip up any who attempt to move faster than 5ft/round.

7 worms/level
worms: hp 1, no attack. cannot be commanded
duration: worms last forever and never die unless destroyed

blanket fingers
v,s,m: a large straw hat, thrown onto target (ranged touch attack)

large straw hat falls onto someone. if they fail a save they are utterly consumed by the hat and shoot out of it’s pores as long, many fingers. thereafter they are a bunch of long fingers poking out of a hat!. they may still act normally but only after about a week of training; up until them they’re just a skittering fingers-monster.

fingers-monster: same stats as original. finger length = target’s former height. **destroying the hat means the fingers separate into different masses and concicousnesses, the target may command as many as their intelligence score. after a while these fingers regrow a body and the new body has as many fingers as the intelligence retained.