mahatma ghandi
terrance hayes
evil peter
twin copies of allen alda
miserlou the song by dick dale incarnated as a person with limited supernatural powers
david foster wallace with a magic beanie
a loud 2 year old
gun with sword hands
fairy godmother (limited magic reserves)
 |
| mr. alda. |
--ROUND ONE--
mahatma ghandi vs terrance hayes
mahatma is a known pacificst which is really just a more powerful version of violence. plus the dude knows how to take a beating. terrance ultimately doesn't have the will to destroy mahatma while ghandi uses his superior stanima to basically force terrance to concede.
evil peter vs twin copies of allen alda
allen alda being a pampered celebrity essentially takes the knee on this one. I do not know which techniques evil peter would use but he would be able to dispatch the celebrities.
miserlou the song by dick dale incarnated as a person with limimted supernatural powers vs. david foster wallace with a magic beanie
this is a tough one. wallace essentially has no limits and I believe his violent tendencies could come to the fore here (not trying to make a domestic abuse joke -ed). Miserlou however has fresh reserves of martial arts power having just recently incarnated in human flesh. Their supernatural powers cancel but ultimately dfd can't keep it together and miserlou takes it.
a loud 2 year old vs gun with sword hands
you would think the gun with sword hands would own this one. my instinct tells me though they would combine forces as intrinsically a loud 2 year old is the master of a gun with sword hands. thus a new terrifying forces enters the ring: loud 2 year old wielding sentient gun with sword hands. this is an early powerhouse but I feel confident in this prediction.
fairy godmother gets a bye.
ROUND 2
mahatma ghandi vs evil peter
another ace match. well essentially mahatma ghandi is incapable of fighting true evil as he relies on the essential humanity of his opponents to win; and evil peter is a being composed of pure evil and therefore has no humanity. match: evil peter
human-bound miserlou vs. loud 2 year old wielding sentient sword with gun hands
I'm tempted to say that they'd just join forces again but let's say the 2 year old is both drunk with power despite his weapon's warnings and also fails to appreciate the innate beauty of surf rock (seems unlikely but again let's assume). Miserlou has about 75% of the power required to dodge both gun and swords but could easily destroy the 2 year old with a single clean shot. I'm going to give it the narrative end and say Miserlou eliminates the 2 year old but is in turn impaled by the gun's sword hands in a harrowing and sorrow-filled twist ending. match goes to gun with sword hands, now revenge-filled.
fairy godmother gets another pass because I haven't written enough combatanats.
ROUND THREE - FINALS
evil peter vs. revengeful gun with sword hands vs. fairy godmother
(three way match)
temporary alliance between evil peter and gunswordhands is disrupted when gunswordhands undergoes magical transformation as it has low magic resistance. as a result evil peter has to one-on-one fairy godmother who has correctly surmised that evil peter is the real sole challenge here. however evil peter understands basic magical capabilities and knows that if he manages to damage f.g. she will unable to cast temporarily.
while the evil version of myself and fairy godmother square up gunswordhands has been turned either into a horse or something silly like that. obviously it has to get new bearings so it's out of the fight for now. let's just say it's a horse.
meanwhile evil peter has thrown sand or whatever in the fairy godmother's face and brought the battle to her physically. not to give the evil version of myself too much credit but I think I could beat up a grandmother. so let's just give evil me the win.
meanwhile though the horse has learned to use its hooves and essentially, instinct kicks in, it caves in evil peter's chest with a powerful blow and is declared the winner.
** HORSE WINS **
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