AUGUST 30TH SUPERFIGHT

A Superfight is a writing exercise where you run a fictional tournament between some fictional combatants. Today's fighters are:

Witch Hazel (of Looney Tunes)

Guts (from Berserk)

MEWTWO (returning champion... a psychic Pokémon)

Yugioh (from Yu-gi-oh! a franchise about a child's card game)

Horse

A Baby

ROUND 1:

1. Witch Hazel vs. Horse
2. Guts vs. Yugioh
3. Mewtwo vs. Baby

Witch Hazel vs. Horse:

Horse has been known to team up with opponents. Is Witch Hazel amenable? Does Witch Hazel smell trustworthy? This is a tough call for Horse. Pawing the ground, he nervously neighs. Witch Hazel begins her routine of bullshitting in rhyme while lining up the kill. 

Flash point! Let's switch to a different fight.

Guts vs. Yugioh

Yugioh offers to settle this with a tabletop game of some sort. Guts the swordsman surmises that his opponent is a veteran gambler and thus dice or cards would be disadvantageous so he chooses to stick to bloodsport. 

Yugioh is in a tough spot. He is probably going to get killed in this fight. He is not a fool. He attempts to delay the battle by talking, trying to deduce an edge. What is Guts motivation? Does he think winning the Superfight will bring him closer to any of his goals?  His quick wits quickly surmise that Guts is not very clear on why he's even here or what he's doing. No, Guts's heart is bent on one thing: revenge against the God Hand, a group of literal Gods who ruined his life. Knowing this Yugioh concedes and leaves the scene.

Mewtwo vs. Baby

Mewtwo either can't bring himself to fight a baby or simply does not care to. It seems important to this Pokémon that that point remain ambiguous. Baby wins.

Back to: Witch Hazel vs. Horse:

Horse is standing around placidly and Witch Hazel is ass-over-teakettle and has stars and planets floating above her head. We didn't get to see what happened. Horse wins

ROUND 2:

Guts vs. Horse

Guts is obviously a noble master, this is what Horse has been waiting for. Team-up, Guts riding Horse will fight Baby in the finale. 

FINALE: Horseman Guts vs. Baby?

Yugioh has swapped positions with Baby in the tourney, in exchange for a bag of candy. "It was like taking candy from a baby... in reverse!" is his line. Additionally, Yugioh has taken his time out of the limelight to find an edge.

The big reveal: Yugioh has an object of power known as a Beherit. This is terrible news.

The entire Tourney is thrown into The Eclipse, the dark dimension the Beherit pulls people into. The last time this happened, Guts's entire life was ruined. Guts is freaking out. Horse is keeping cool. The ground has become an unwieldy mass of stone faces. All participants are endangered by encroaching demons, but Mewtwo and Witch Hazel team up to hold them at bay. Baby is crying!

Yugioh is smirking evilly. Guts is in an insane rage and is going to try to kill Yugioh but he can't because of the demons and because of the approaching... God Hand.

These are the Gods capable of unleashing the darkness of humanity or something. They are the ones who ruined Guts's life. Anyway there they are; they always show up when a Beherit is used. Of course, Yugioh is able to goad one or more members of God Hand into a game of cards, the card game Yu-gi-oh! which is named after Yugioh, and before very long it's Time to Duel!

Well to make a long story short, Yugioh nearly gets his Life Points depleted to Zero from taking on all The Gods at Once but Guts intervenes and using the Power of Violence is able to Turn The Tide. Maybe Guts volunteers to Step Into The Game As One Of The Cards. Anyway with their franchise powers combined Y&G win it and The God Hand is sent to the Shadow Realm which isn't very different from The Eclipse but its not on their terms so they aren't happy. It's basically the ending of Superman (1978) where the bad guys are trapped in a prison cube and sent spinning off into space.

SUPERFIGHT WINNER: FRIENDSHIP!

SEPTEMBER 1ST SUPERFIGHT

a superfight is an exercise where you run a fictional tournament between some fictional combatants. today's fighters are:

kirby
mahatma ghandi (2nd time participant)
mewtwo
morrissey
a lamp
me
president bill clinton circa 1994
horse (returning champion)

Mr. president.

ROUND ONE

kirby v me

I am able to grievously wound wound kirby. however the kinetic force of his "suck" power is able to carom me off a wall or piece of furniture, dislocating my spine. Match: kirby. 

president bill clinton v. horse

bill clinton: not in shape, however has been photographed riding a horse (see above). Tame a wild horse? Unlikely. Victor: HORSE

mahatma ghandi v. a lamp

ghandi cinches this? Dude can break a lamp.

mewtwo v. morrissey

mewtwo uses confusion and flips morrissey into the ocean. the battlefield for this superfight is on a beach. winner: m2

ROUND TWO

mahatma ghandi v. a horse

mahatma could swing this. however, he wisely chooses not to ride the horse, as it poses a health risk.

match: mahatma. he is able to calm the horse down or simply outwait it until it sleeps.

mewtwo v. kirby

the actual fight we've been waiting for. obviously kirby copies mewtwo off of the bat. from then on we have a classic shadow ball match. kirby however does not have a reflective ability and I think that means mewtwo has the upper hand. perhaps the wound sustained in kirby's fight with me earlier makes an unfortunate reprisal. 

match: mewtwo

FINALS

mewtwo v. mahatma ghandi

mewtwo is curious about philosophy enough to stay its psychic powers. Can the mahatma sway mewtwo to the the path of pacificism? my gut instinct says no. ghandi is obliterated via psystrike

**MEWTWO WINS**

JUNE THIRD SUPERFIGHT

a superfight is an exercise where you run a fictional tournament between some fictional combatants. today's fighters are:

mahatma ghandi
terrance hayes
evil peter
twin copies of allen alda
miserlou the song by dick dale incarnated as a person with limited supernatural powers
david foster wallace with a magic beanie
a loud 2 year old
gun with sword hands
fairy godmother (limited magic reserves)

mr. alda.

--ROUND ONE--

mahatma ghandi vs terrance hayes

mahatma is a known pacificst which is really just a more powerful version of violence. plus the dude knows how to take a beating. terrance ultimately doesn't have the will to destroy mahatma while ghandi uses his superior stanima to basically force terrance to concede.


evil peter vs twin copies of allen alda

allen alda being a pampered celebrity essentially takes the knee on this one. I do not know which techniques evil peter would use but he would be able to dispatch the celebrities.


miserlou the song by dick dale incarnated as a person with limimted supernatural powers vs. david foster wallace with a magic beanie

this is a tough one. wallace essentially has no limits and I believe his violent tendencies could come to the fore here (not trying to make a domestic abuse joke -ed). Miserlou however has fresh reserves of martial arts power having just recently incarnated in human flesh. Their supernatural powers cancel but ultimately dfd can't keep it together and miserlou takes it.


a loud 2 year old vs gun with sword hands

you would think the gun with sword hands would own this one. my instinct tells me though they would combine forces as intrinsically a loud 2 year old is the master of a gun with sword hands. thus a new terrifying forces enters the ring: loud 2 year old wielding sentient gun with sword hands. this is an early powerhouse but I feel confident in this prediction.


fairy godmother gets a bye.


ROUND 2

mahatma ghandi vs evil peter

another ace match. well essentially mahatma ghandi is incapable of fighting true evil as he relies on the essential humanity of his opponents to win; and evil peter is a being composed of pure evil and therefore has no humanity. match: evil peter


human-bound miserlou vs. loud 2 year old wielding sentient sword with gun hands

I'm tempted to say that they'd just join forces again but let's say the 2 year old is both drunk with power despite his weapon's warnings and also fails to appreciate the innate beauty of surf rock (seems unlikely but again let's assume). Miserlou has about 75% of the power required to dodge both gun and swords but could easily destroy the 2 year old with a single clean shot. I'm going to give it the narrative end and say Miserlou eliminates the 2 year old but is in turn impaled by the gun's sword hands in a harrowing and sorrow-filled twist ending. match goes to gun with sword hands, now revenge-filled.


fairy godmother gets another pass because I haven't written enough combatanats.


ROUND THREE - FINALS

evil peter vs. revengeful gun with sword hands vs. fairy godmother 
(three way match)

temporary alliance between evil peter and gunswordhands is disrupted when gunswordhands undergoes magical transformation as it has low magic resistance. as a result evil peter has to one-on-one fairy godmother who has correctly surmised that evil peter is the real sole challenge here. however evil peter understands basic magical capabilities and knows that if he manages to damage f.g. she will unable to cast temporarily.

while the evil version of myself and fairy godmother square up gunswordhands has been turned either into a horse or something silly like that. obviously it has to get new bearings so it's out of the fight for now. let's just say it's a horse.

meanwhile evil peter has thrown sand or whatever in the fairy godmother's face and brought the battle to her physically. not to give the evil version of myself too much credit but I think I could beat up a grandmother. so let's just give evil me the win.

meanwhile though the horse has learned to use its hooves and essentially, instinct kicks in, it caves in evil peter's chest with a powerful blow and is declared the winner.

** HORSE WINS **